Raging Numb
by CrashOverride1
Summary: In the minds eye, we can see everything someone is hiding, deepwithin their minds. Though what happens if what they see is not what they bargined for? 2 +1 later Updated 12-29-02 I know its been a long while .... GOMENASI!!!
1. The Diary

Title: Raging Numb

Autor: CrashOverride

Rating: This chapter is PG

Warnings: This is the beginning. I need reviews if this is something I should continue or not. Please tell me. Enjoy. And this is all in Duo's POV. 

Disclaimer: I don't own the G-boys. I am just borrowing them for a few hours. Please don't sue me. I have only a gift card!!! 

Part I: The Diary

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Have you ever been at that point in your life where you continuously wonder about your heart? Wheather you are in love, lust, or a crush? Even through the war, the blood, the gore and death, the feelings won't leave. You don't want to betray your training and seem weak to your comrades. Though at the same time, you are agonizing over opening your heart to see what it is, that you feel for some one. 

I remember when I let Solo in. It was a hard and painstaking process; I was so full of rage and pain. He brought a cure to my loneliness, along with Sister Helen and Father Maxwell. Then they were taken. I shut down. It was living life with a dull sense of pain. I was numb from the heart out. It became clear that many people didn't like me then. They would shy away from the silent depressed raging boy. 

It wasn't until I began my Gundam training that I put up the façade of the bubbly, hyper active, smiling teen, loving every aspect of life. No surveillance cameras were in my designated room at the time, so I would not have act all that much. Only when in social contract. The only people who ever got a small glimpse of the real me was when I first met Heero and Relena. But then again that was but a glimpse.....an- 

"Duo! What the hell are you doing on my laptop!" Heero growled stepping out of the bathroom and into the dorm room we were sharing at the moment, hair damp, white towel loosely wrapped around his waist, with beads of water slowly crawling down his chest and abdomen to the edge of the towel. My breath caught at the sight of him, before I quickly saved the file to a disk and deleted it off his laptop. Snatching the disk and stuffing it in my back pocket, I walked past him pausing briefly at the door.

"Nothing Heero. Just nothing..." and I was gone. 

I didn't return to the room that night or the following morning. I had stayed in a sleazy motel room, lying on the bed with my eyes closed for the rest of the day, thinking. No masks. No jokes. No smiles. Just myself, numb and raging. The depression had dissipated long ago, but the numbness and rage continued on. Stronger then ever. 

Before I returned to the dorm, I bought a simple laptop that I could finish my work on. No need to annoy the Perfect Solider and his love for longer then I have too. Upon entering the room I found Heero glaring icy at me, but he was not alone. Quatre, Trowa and Wufei all sat miscellaneously around the small dorm room, with similar looks upon their faces. Grinning madly, I set purple cased laptop on my nightstand and turn to the angry group. Putting on my façade. 

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I hope you enjoyed and want more of this. ^_^ 

CrashOverride


	2. Mission:Failure

Title: Raging Numb

Autor: CrashOverride

Rating: PG-13 for Language. 

Disclaimer: Normal stuff, I dont own GW. 

Author's Note: This is for Anime Echo and Deathwraith, for their reviews. Thanks much for C&C. I'll try to get another part out for you guys, soon. Enjoy. ^_~

Part II: Mission: Failure

All eyes were on me. At first I thought they were going to all pounce on me if I spoke or twitched not their liking. Even Trowa, expressionless Trowa, wore a look of anger, green eye blazing. It was odd though, to have Quatre, the innocent angel as I call him, the one that will forgive anything, glaring with what seemed to be nothing but anger. Grinning skeptically and raising an eyebrow, I locked my gaze with every set of eyes waiting for a response, the deafening silence and tension could be cut with a knife. 

"…Hey guy's! How's it goin? How is everyone? Trowa? Quatre? Wufei? Heero? Hmm? …" I asked my voice calm with inflections of happiness. 

"It's more like what you **didn't** do Maxwell!" Wufei growled with pure hate, as my face contorted into a blank stare. 'What did I forget…. Yesterday…. The 12th….what did I…OH SHIT. The mission….shit shit shit shit….God damn it!… calm Duo …. Calm… it was a solo mission… you can do it tonight… right now… you just have to explain…. Make up a lie… a story… something….something they will believe….' Scratching the back of my head lightly I grinned. 

" Sorry guys, I…uh… completely forgot… I can go do it tonigh-

"No need" Heero interrupted, " I already did it. Mission accomplished." Nodding dumbly, I searched each of their faces. Once anger now replaced with disappointment. 

"Once again Maxwell, you prove to be unworthy of Deathscythe Hell ." Wufei reprimanded before leaving. Quatre shook his head while Trowa, was once again, emotionless mask. Heero, turned from me and began typing on his laptop, ' mission report probably. Damn it… stupid Duo…. Stupid…..' Sighing, I walked over to the closet, pulled out a large black shirt, and striped down to my silk black boxers, before throwing on the t-shirt, climbing on my bed, laying on my stomach and booting up 'little death' my new laptop. Inserting the disk from yesterday, I began finishing what I started. 

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The only people who ever got a small glimpse of the real me was when I first met Heero and Relena. But then again that was but a glimpse..... At the time I don't think either would have realized. What a pity for them. 

Today, the 13th , I screwed up, first for hiding away last night and forgetting a solo mission, then I come back and get told by my 'friends' that I am a screw up. Well what else is new. It's hard to believe, even with the anger and disappointment that they all shared, that the numbness increased but the rage simmered down. I couldn't really understand it, but none the less, it was odd. It became easier I guess, with less rage, I would have to use so much energy keeping it in check, while putting up the jester mask. 

Its funny really, while I was out yesterday, there was such a mask, in the window to a costume shop. A white mask with large grinning red lips, shining black eyes, with a tear drop painted under the left eye, a jester cap with bells at the end of each point. When I saw it, I stared stunned by its symbolize idea. I began laughing then, almost hysterically, in the middle of the street at 1 am. No one there to really stare at the seemingly insane person. But… back to love.

I am still at the crossroad, where I can't seem to find out if I am in love or lu-

"Duo? What are you doing?"

Closing my eyes and sighing deeply, I save the file to the disk once again and slide the disk into its hiding place, shutting down 'little death' and placing it back on my night stand, I sat up looking at Heero. ' Well Heero… I am writing down my thoughts for my own personal safety so that I don't go nuts cooped up in all these damn schools, with you and the others DURING THIS FUCKING WAR WHILE I AM NUMB AND PISSED OFF TO THE POINT OF SHOOTING A CLIP INTO YOUR LOVER OVER THERE!' I thought staring at him incredulously. 

"Not a thing Heero… Just going to bed." I responded, tearing my eyes away from the icy cobalt piercing stare and climbing under the covers. With my back faced to him, I willed myself into my dream-state of nightmares and voids, of blackness and death. Unconsciously curling into a tight ball, as the blackness and fog rolled in.

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CrashOverride: That's all for now.... Soon another part will be put up... I am working on it right now... so it should be with you in a day or two.... maybe in a few hours... ^^ Thanks for those who review, and I will see you later Minna!!! 


	3. Indulgence Found

Title: Raging Numb

Autor: CrashOverride

Rating: PG-13 for Language. 

Note: Longer... maybe even better... I don't know really, i am enjoying how this is unfolding though. ^_^ .. Anywho... I am working on trying to capture their personalities better, and making each parts longer.... Bare with me...Thanks to eveyone who reviews. Its a 4 Day Weekend.... so expect more chapters soon... Thanks. 

Love you all... CrashOverride

Part III: Indulgence Found

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"Yuy... I don't think he would keep vital information about himself on a disk that could be easily found. I mean honestly... We know he is not that stupid!" Wufei hissed as a rather large shadow creeped along the corridors of their school. 

"Wufei has a point Heero..." Quatre chimed in as they made it to this meeting point, the far corner of the Library. Trowa, leaning against the far wall, gave each a curt nod before taking his place next to Quatre. 

"... It's been months now and do any of you know much about him? Besides the obvious. Do you know the names of his parents or family, where he used to live, how he became a Gundam pilot? Anything at all?" silence rang out through the library. Heero, booted up his laptop, inserted the disk and began scrolling through its contents. 

"Well... what did you find?" Quatre finally asked after the long silence. 

"Thousands of files, all text, some zipped, mostly old file, earliest file is dated to be 6 years ago, before the war and the Gundam's. Little to no security. Several files with our names attached, along with his newest file, updated tonight, code-named, 'Hostage'. Well let's see where that takes us. .... States ... Have you ever been at that point in your life where you continuously wonder about your heart? Whether you are in love, lust, or a crush? Even through the war, the blood, the gore and death, the feelings won't leave. You don't want to betray your training and seem weak to your comrades. ...." 

"Heero it sounds like a diary entry!" Quatre said nervously. 

"It does Yuy."

"Fine, let's see what he has under our names then.... 

Heero Yuy 

Pilot of Gundam 01, Wing, Wing Zero 

Parents: Father undisclosed. Mother Mizuno Megami, deceased

Siblings: None

Known relatives: Assassinated

DOB: Unknown

Current age: 16

Background: Father and mother, killed but Dr. J's men before attachment could be established between mother and son. Then placed in the care of Dr. J. Of all Gundam pilots, 01's training, went far beyond the words of cruelty. Code-named the Perfect Solider, which is incorrect. Dr. J knows that to also have a perfect solider, the one must be driven by emotions, such as Yuy does not have. Thus he is but a human robot, doing his job as told to.

Mission: My mission assigned by Professor G, Enlightenment of emotions. Push his to the point of breaking all binds that control emotion, thus, giving us the Perfect solider that we need. 

Mission Accomplished or Failed: Failed...." Heero stopped, a painful silent stung his ears. Looking up, all eyes were down cast towards the table or floor. I found myself still hiding, staring into the not lost cobalt eyes. His face now seemed like that of a child, not knowing what to do, or how to continue. Knowing that they had read enough of my files. My work, I crept silently behind Heero, ejected my disk before he could continue. Though my actions did not go unnoticed. 

" Where did you find that information?" 

"Did you enjoy reading it?" 

"Where did you find it?"

"You never should have seen it. I have my sources. But I will never give them to you. None of you know how long I have been gathering information on all of you. The process was painstaking and long..." I growled, mentally smacking myself. I had screwed up, no matter what I had screwed up big time. ' Okay... they know... what did G tell me to do.... Uh.... Send him all information gathered, if found out, or if captured with disk, destroy. If only this were a capture situation' I mused silently, turning on my heel and walking out. 

I hadn't gotten far before I was stopped, Heero, stood in front of me, eyes demanding, the others I suppose were behind me, cutting off all exits, thus it was turning into a capture situation. 

"I am the commanding officer in out team, and you will answer all question asked about that disk!" he spat, menace dripping from every word.

"Will I? Well... if I remember correctly, in 10 seconds, the guard will come to this hall way, we will all be put into solitary confinement for a 2 day suspension for being out of our room during lights out, and speak of the devil..." I smirked flicking my wrist to the guard turning the corner and striding towards us. If this situation could get any worse, I would like not to be here to see it. Knowing that we were in no way out for just a stroll, not all 5 of us, we were escorted to detention room. 

One person sat in each corner, while the 5th, me, sat in the middle of this vacant room. Once the guard finished 'chaining' us into our positions, also known as hand cuffing us to the floor with heavy duty cuffs, attached to 5 foot long chains that appeared to be built into the concrete floor. He locked the door, throwing us a warning glance and stating that we would be checked on at 9 AM. According to the clock, it was only, 2:30 AM. 

'This is going to be a long night...' I thought sighing, before standing up and digging the disk out of my left back pocket. Sitting back down, I brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around protectively. Resting my head on my knees I stared at the disk stuck between mission and conscience. 

"Duo!" Heero growled, voice low with rage, eyes blazing with a fire that could scare Satan. He stood in the upper right corner of the room, fist clenched. His glare, if looks could kill, would have made me instantaneously combust. Never had I ever seen so much emotion rack though him. 

"Hmm?"

"Where did you get the information?!"

"Like I said before, I had been getting it long before this war began. This is part of my side mission. Continuously gather information of my fellow pilots. Though now I doubt you will believe the reason as to why I have been collecting this information. 

G had told about each of you, how you were selected, created or stolen from family. G had taken pity on me since he knew that I had no family, but would learn to adapt. Make a new family if given the chance. I have successfully completed that mission. You are my family, no matter how much crap you put me through, or how much you disapprove of my techniques. 

I believed that once the war was over and we are all alive, no ifs and or buts about that. You all will survive this war even if I have to give my life for that. Any way back to the topic, once we were done with this fuckin war, I would give you all a report of your past, your family, what belongs to you, where you can find information, people who knew your parents, or where you were born, anything I could get my hands. 

Excluding slightly Quatre, and Wufei, I believed that you all would want to know. Know about your parents, brothers and sisters, estates and money that belong to you. Photos, toys, memories that they stole from us. I wanted to give it back to you, as much as I could. 

Not like you could fully understand that Heero, I never expected you too. But you could use the information for whatever you wanted to. So it would make things easier to continue with the present and future. No need to look back and wonder. I wanted to give you an answer to your questions! And I know even you, Perfect Solider that you are, has questions that no one will answer... I wanted to give you peace.... Maybe even hope...." I finished, sighing deeply, before burying my head in my knees, trying unsuccessfully to calm all the emotion and pain that had been brought forth. Trying to stifle the gut wrenching sobs that were aching to escape. 

Silence echoed through the room, it was now 5 AM, and my body finally gave out, surrendering to exhaustion. Cursing myself for not putting on warmer cloths I fell into the void, though now accusing whispers and floating blackness occupied my fitful sleep. 

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End of Part 3 Hope you enjoyed. And yes I know that some information put in the Heero profile might be incorrect, but believe me I know. For the fact that this is of my creation I added and changed facts to my liking just for this story. Bare with me.... ^_^;;


	4. Hope’s Interference

Title: Raging Numb

Autor: CrashOverride

Rating: PG

Part VI: Hope's Interference

When I awoke, I don't remember how I had gotten back to my dorm room, or what time it was, how long I had been out, or what day it was. However due to the timing of the mission, I believed it to be later that day. Though, it scares me as to how I could not have awaken as they unchained me and brought me from the room…. ' I must have been thoroughly exhausted…. But still….' I thought unnerving. 

Standing, I went to the bathroom, changed and began emptying out my pockets. It wasn't until I looked down at the miscellaneous items that the light bulb in my brain had turned on and was now flashing bright red. "THE DISK!" Franticly I began searching through my cloths again, before running around the room, searching every nook and cranny. After I had turned the room upside down 4 times, I fell back against the wall, sliding down slowly, pain evident on my face. ' All…. All my work…. My thoughts…. Reports…. Everything… pictures… memories…. Information… all of my life was on that disk…. Maybe boys down cry…. But my god… I just lost everything….' I thought trying to stifle an escaping sob unsuccessfully. 

I don't know how long I huddled against the wall, sobbing silently, but I do know, some time later Heero entered the room. At first he didn't see me, and went about his routine for going to bed, but once he had changed he glanced towards where I was curled against the wall, my eyes were shut tightly, but I could sense his eyes on me. 

"Duo..?" he asked uncertainty riddled in his voice. I almost laughed then, always wanting to hear emotion in his voice, such a sad emotion though broke my heart, especially since it was directed towards me. I knew that I might be more sensitive to certain things then most boys my age, but my god, that didn't mean I was any less of a man. 

I heard him step towards me cautiously, slowly, I backed up against the wall, shaking. I didn't know why I was shaking. It was almost as if everything on that disk had kept me sane. Kept me going, always wanting more than I had. It gave me a reason to survive. Now it was gone…all the memories that I had tried to suppress came back with vengeance. I was vaguely aware that I began to tremble violently as Heero reached out and touched my shoulder. Though I relaxed, groping tightly at his chest as he picked me up and placed me on his bed. He tried to move away, but I whimpered and clutched onto him fiercely. Though somehow, Heero managed to get himself free and I felt so lost. I knew he was gone a matter of moments, turning off the lights and finishing his routine, before I was back in his arms, rocking back and forth against his warmth. Try as I might though, the memories did not leave once I was asleep. I cried out desperately for the void… the blackness I had grown accustom to, though it never came. I felt the pain. The sorrow. The pity. The agony. The rage. Every possible feeling that I felt during every horrible memory that came firing at me. And I broke. Its funny that when I broke I remember a certain entry on that disk where I had tried to explain what it was like when I was broken…..

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It's hard to describe what I mean when I say I am broken, or I broke. It's like having a sudden draining of all feeling. Where you travel to the recesses of your mind. Its not dark or light. There's not color or shade. It's just… empty? There is nothing, and you are nothing, but at the same time there is everything you can think of there but not. When I brake… I follow this path. Slowly walking in silence along this invisible path to an unknown destination. With each step something leaves me. First it's the pain. Then the sorrow. Depression. Anger. Guilt. Loneliness. Hope. Happiness. Joy. Life. One by one all the emotions escape me. I stop every once in a while trying to understand why I am doing what I am doing, but then again it comes to me saying this is what I asked for. "This is the void you wanted." And indeed it was always right. 

There have been only two people that have brought me out of my mind and back to the true reality when I had become broken. When my soul had shattered and my heart was no where to be found, for the pieces were just too small to search for. Both of those people had died… because of me. If I break again…I don't know how I would come back…I don't believe even Heero…Or Quatre would be able to get me back. It would be a miracle if they even knew what was going on.

I had found though, when I get into this void, my mind clears considerably. It's easier to think. To listen to nature. To believe what your heart tells you about your life. There is no doubt in its logic. There are no questions demanding to be answered. Just simple facts that help bring me to peace. It's a simple place where I can gather my good memories, and play them over and over again. Living in a illusionary world where everyone is how I wanted them to be, and my life is perfect. 

As the first day in my perfect world comes to an end now though. I think about the life that I have given up. The vegetable that my body will become until it dies. I have laughed at the thought of just waking up one day in the hospital, with doctors asking me questions as to how I could be in a coma, by my own free will. Always with that thought though I frown. In my void when I am broken, I am in that state aren't I? A veggie. In a coma, still giving my friends hope that I might awake from this perfect world into their tragedy of a life. It always comes then. This rushing sensation of grief and guilt. If I could find away to just die in this world I would have a long time ago. But once again I am unable to find a why that will work with out waking up. For I have tried many different ways. I believe there is a way though, and maybe some day I will find it, but for now I have the choice, of gaining consciousness, or staying in my disillusion. 

In the end…I always return, waiting for the once voice to piece through my world, begging…no…ordering me to come back to them. Saying the words over and over. As always, I have learned. Anything broken can be fixed…in time…

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Heero's POV

Its been 2 weeks since I found Duo in his vegetation state. Its odd when the boy is silent in a room, breathing, eyes wide open, but if you take a closer look, you can see the dilation. You can see the ghastly pale skin. And I can see the dull eyes that were once so bright with life, love, and some happiness. Its eerie now, in this room as I work on rendering the mission for only 4 pilots now, that its so quiet. I look over at him every once in a while, while typing, hoping to see some life in the braided boy that I have grown fond of. As always, there is no such luck. I hope… its odd that I do that now, but I hope for everyone sakes that he comes back to us. 

Currently though, I have been skimming through his disk for any help as to what has happened to him. I have read all the passages where he states that he is broken. I believe that is what is mind set is now, though I still haven't found a way to bring him back. I have analyze all the information but still no solution have come into play. Even Quatre and the others are lost, by all means, we know nothing of how to help our friend. 'ha…. Friend, can we even call him that…. I doubt we even fit such a statement. We can't be considered his friends… we pushed him into this state…. We made him what he is right now. Ha… a friend indeed we are….' I thought miserably. 

Standing I made my way over to Duo, and sat next him on the bed, staring into his vacant violet eyes. 

"Are we you friends?… Did we brake you? It was not my intention… never would it be my intention to brake you… or harm you…." I whispered to him softly, brushing a few bangs out of his eyes. 

"I remember her voice you know…My mothers… that is how I know I was human somewhere inside myself… She was singing this soft tune, to get me to sleep. I guess it was a lullaby but I can't really remember. It was utterly soothing to me though…. And for the life of me I can't remember the words right now… You helped keep me human too…. Even if I don't show it…You rile up emotions in myself that I have never felt…. Its odd… I never though I would be jealous of you. But I am…. Just for the knowledge that you can keep us all acting like teens when in a war meant for adults. I think that is why you play the joker. Trying to lighten us up. Making sure we know when it is time to be a solider and when it is time to act our own age… no one else would have been able to pull it off…." I shifted slightly, bring my lips to his forehead. Moving back, I stared into his eyes smiling slightly. "You didn't fail at my mission Duo… I just never showed you the accomplished work…." It was after I whispered that, when I got up to leave that an idea came to my mind. Turn back to the braided baka, I spoke sternly," everything broken can be fixed, now if you don't get back here with in the next five minutes, I will have Deathsyeth Hell destroyed by me. And every single piece that is left will be sent to OZ, to create new weaponry that will kill me along with the others. So wake up or kill us all to heel with your gundam indirectly!" I stared, waiting for any response holding my breath. As the minutes ticked by so did my hope of ever getting Duo back. I turned to get off his bed, when his arm forcefully grabbed my shoulder and brought my face within an inch of his.

"If you every touch my gundam…. I will kill you… but not before turning Wing into scrap metal and your laptop into a toaster that I will send it to Relena!"

If this has any errors, please disreguard, I will look over it once again and repost with eroor free stuff but for now enjoy and review tell me you guys are reading this!!! Thanks to Deathwraith and Anime Echo once agian for all their support!! 

CrashOverride


	5. A: Relapsing Void

Author: CrashOverride

Notes: … This is short, and hopefully and  cliff hanger that will make some of you disgruntled? Well maybe not, I promise, to get part V b to you very soon…. Tee hee… enjoy what I leave you with…. Agonizing as it might be…. ^_^;; I honestly don't try to do it… Thanks to both Deathwraith and Futon for their encouragement…. Now enjoy . 

Rating: PG

Part V  A: Relapsing Void 

            I was shocked to say the least from his now threatening tone that he used. It was odd to have out of the blue, the veggie braided plot come to life. I knew though, that I had to close my gaping mouth, before he took advantage of my distain and used it against me. I know Duo Maxwell far to well then I let on. I know for a fact that at no time, currently like the present, will he decide to not take charge of having me, Heero Yuy rendered speechless. I smiled mentally as that fact. But still I had to believe that no matter what I would still be in the same place. The same reality, where Duo here, like both sexes, and had a growing relationship with one of the many females at the current school that we are residing in. And with that train of thought, my hopes diminished, and I became aware of the fact the my jaw was not tightly clenched in a frown, staring into bright violet lakes. 

"Heero…:"

"Welcome back Duo. Its been quite a while. We were beginning to go nuts with the lack of noise in out lives. You came back at perfect timing, I believe Wufei would have graced us with another lecture during our off hours, and as much as we all love to hear him rant and rave, I believe that it is beginning to take its toll on both Quatre and Trowa…We are glad to have you back though. We can complete all that is needed and the new plan that I made for the mission can be reconfigured to fit 5 pilots instead of 4…" Heero trailed off, voice loosing every bit of emotion it held not but 2 minutes ago. 

"….Heero?" I asked observing him as he when back to his laptop and began the necessary precautions of making yet another plan. Inwardly a dull pain came back into my chest, one that shocked my silent. It was the same feeling I had for Sister Helen and Father Maxwell. The same feeling I had for Solo. It was love, painful love as I dreaded. Heero was lying to me my heart spoke, quietly. 'Not fully telling the truth and yet not fully lying to me either…' I reasoned. I tried right then, coming out of my shock and haze watching the stoic emotionless boy type on his love, his lover, his prized possession, and tried to figure out what hurt more. The fact that he could revert back and forth between emotion and emotionless in a matter of moments, with out having to think about it. Never letting on what he felt for anyone, unless they were unconscious. Or the fact that he gave more attention to an inanimate object then any human being that he has had contact with. Either way it was painful, and gave me yet another reason to crawl back into that endless perfect world that I had created so long ago no matter what the real world wanted from me. 

"Hn……..Duo?….Duo..? Duo!" I yelled looking over as the glazed look began to cover his eyes, the light fading and the dullness coming back to the once lively beautiful pools. Racing to his side, I grabbed his shoulders, shaking him, while I gave him more orders, though the stern tone began to falter as they had no effect on his mind set. 

"Duo!…You come back here!… I don't know why you would want to go back! I don't know what happened in your mind that wanted you to go back to that place once again… But for gods sakes COME BACK TO ME…. to us…. We need you…. I need you…. Duo Maxwell. You have 30 seconds to come back to this reality before I leap out of the window to your gundam, pull out the self-destruct button, and push it while deciding to agree with Relena with the fact that you are absolutely insane and stupid. You now have 15 seconds…. Come on Duo… Deathscythe Hell…. Or you mind…Your friends.. or your memories… Me….or no me…. 5 seconds…. 4….3….2….1…..  


	6. Last Minute Decisions

Title: Raging Numb

Author: CrashOverride

Rating: PG 

Part V B: Last Minute Decisions

"Duo!…You come back here!… I don't know why you would want to go back! I don't know what happened in your mind that wanted you to go back to that place once again… But for god's sakes COME BACK TO ME…. To us…. We need you…. I need you…. Duo Maxwell. You have 30 seconds to come back to this reality before I leap out of the window to your gundam, pull out the self-destruct button, and push it while deciding to agree with Relena with the fact that you are absolutely insane and stupid. You now have 15 seconds…. Come on Duo… Deathscythe Hell…. Or you mind…"

' He wouldn't.... How could he threaten such a thing? That's almost like me selling Heero to Relena and giving OZ Wing! ... Deathscthe or mind... god damn it Heero! I want both! You can't make me decide! How could you even think about giving me an ultimatum! I swear Heero I will get my revenge upon you...

"Your friends... or your memories…"

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' Friends and memories are the same are they not Heero... in both worlds I have them all... where or not there are living are buried. Even you can't take them away. I will forever have them... but then again, they will die, and in my mind I will have only what I remember of them. How can you do this Heero..? I thought you had a heart. You can't tell me this is for my own good. I am not so incapacitated to not know if I am hurting myself in the process of living my own life. Yes mentally I may be wrong but for good sakes... wrong right now feels so right... so inviting... and so warm... so very warm Heero... even in this cold cruel world, in this war we are fighting, its soo warm here... I have never felt that warm... not for a long time.... Can't you understand why I want to be here..? Why I don't want to go back.... Why can't you see things from my point of view? I know you have a heart, not matter what you say, I know have a heart and are still human...'

"Me…or no me…" 

__

'...Why are you asking such a question... you don't love. You are not in love with me... you don't care... the mission is all that you are after...'

"5 seconds…."

__

' Do I love you enough to go back to such a cruel world? Do I have enough strength to endure that cold again... just for you..? For your smile I never see...'

"4…."

__

' ... For the love you will never hold for me... for you laughter I may never hear...'

"3…."

__

'...For the kisses I will never taste... for the skin I will never touch... for the passion I will never see in your eyes....'

"2…."

__

' ...Your eyes, such an endless cobalt, that I would love to see once again... just to drown in.... how I wish I could physically stare into your cobalt depths enough to drown... I would die happy...'

"1…"

__

' For the love I have for you Heero... that is how I can endure all the pain of the world... I will come back... for you... only for you.... For love... For pain... and for the "never's" that I want to hear, see, taste, touch and feel... all for you...'

"Leave my Gundam and Relena out of this Heero. I'll stay.... I'll stay..." I whisper softly, staring at Heero slightly before, I crawl out of bed, and leave the room. 'You never said I had to be happy Heero.... You never said it....' I though frowning slightly, as a thick fog of depression settled over my mind. Walking past a window in the currently vacant house, I noticed the soft tapping of a natural rain, flashed of lightening interrupted the beautiful dark gray sky. Striding downstairs and out to the covered porch, I leaned against one of the beams by the steps, wrapping my arms around my chest. 

The rain, warm falling, cold to the touch, fell softly, over the vast green lawn. Tending to the plants of the forest, slowly bringing the smell of the earth out in the open, leaving the beautiful nature vulnerable. Purity, falling from the menacing clouds, seemed so ironic, something to troubling, dark, and vengeful, leaving purity in its wake. Almost like myself, ' only I take purity and leave death in my wake' I thought bitterly, before sliding down the beam and bringing my knees to my chest, hugging them tightly, hoping to draw as much comfort as I could to myself. 

In the distance, a black Ford Explorer pulled into the driveway and 3 silhouettes stepped out bags in all hangs, slowly stalking towards the door. Voices could be heard as they came near, portraying a happiness and relaxed stated, ' one that I want...' I thought burying my head in my knees, hoping they would walk past me. 

"Duo?" Quatre voice interrupted my newfound appreciation for the soothing sound of the rain.

"Hai..." I mumbled not moving or looking up. They stepped on to the porch, staring at me, well gawking at me really. 

"What are you doing out here Maxwell? Shouldn't you be in bed still?" Wufei asked, no emotion or concern in his voice. 

"Yes Duo I agree, you should be in bed, resting gathering your strength... getting better." Quatre chimed in. 

"I will in a while... I just want to be alone... I want to enjoy the rain..." I said dolefully, knowing that they are were questioning my mental state, even if they would ask me, one would for surly ask me next if I was ok.

"Duo are you alright?" 'Funny... I knew one of you would ask... how predictable... its almost sad, but funnier. 

" For now I am the best that I will be. Now... I think you should go inside, I will be in, in a while, I'll answer most of your questions when I come in.... just let me be... for now..." I said sternly, before blocking them out, and turning my senses to the rain, feeling it... hearing it. Tasting it... knowing for sure it was real. I don't know if they said anything more, but it wasn't till the rain had finally stopped that I stood. Stretched, and walked inside. It was darker, colder... ' Heh.... Cold.... Warm rain... cold to my skin... must have been out there a while...' I thought stepping into the kitchen and grabbing an apple before siting down at the table, where the others sat enjoying their dinner. I sat at the head while; Trowa and Quatre were to my right, Wufei and Heero to my left. Biting my apple, I rested an elbow on the table and rested my chin in my hand, chewing thoughtfully on the apple. It was then that everything came up. I knew it would come. The Questions. 


	7. Question and Answer Session

Title: Raging Numb 

Author: CrashOverride 

Part VI: Question and Answer Session

Rating: PG 13

The questions, I knew were coming whether I wanted them to or not. It would be better to answer them not and drop it, I reasoned with myself, biting into the apple once again. The fruits bitter and sweet taste soon began to disgust me, standing and dropping it into the garbage, I decided I needed something to easy the tension I was going to feel no matter what, when the interrogation was going to start. Grabbing the large bottle of Russian vodka from the freezer, I sauntered over to the table, shot glass in one hand, vodka bottle in the other, and I took my seat once again. All eyes were on me as I pour one shot and gulped it down quickly, the familiar intense burning sensation following down my throat to my stomach where it settled. Gulping a small breath of air, I poured another shot, put the lid back on the bottle and sat back, turning my attention to the others while slowly running my finger around of the full shot glass. 

"Duo?" questioned first, curiosity and concern filling his voice, as his eyes darted from mine to the glass and back.

"You have right now to ask all the questions that you want to know. Once none of you can come up with anything more, then we drop it, and no questions maybe asked about it at a later date. This is a one-time chance. Take it or leave it. I. WILL. NOT. ANSWER. ANY. MORE. QUESTIONS. AFTER. THIS. CONCERNING. MY. "COMA".... Everyone got that?" I asked, darting my now blazing violet orbs to the others, as I got a variety of yes, yeahs, and head nods. Sighing slightly, I continued to run my index finger around the rim of the shot glass and focused on people in front of me. 

"Alright.... Go ahead..." 

"Are you alright?"

"If I was alright then I would not have drifted off into my own little world for 2 weeks now, would I have Quatre?"

"Fair enough.... Why did you come back... why today... why now?"

".... A.... Threat.... no... A negotiation happened between Heero and I.... I woke up then went back, but was.... _Cruelly_ drawn back by perfect soldiers tactics..."

"What was the negotiation Maxwell?" 

"...Deathscythe wouldn't be blasted to smithereens. And Heero here wouldn't agree with one of Relena's more... irritating comments about my personality, I... had to stay in this... reality to keep those. No more going to my nice little perfect world... ain't that right Heero?" I growled, glaring directly at him.

"Hn."

"How exactly did you put yourself in a come of sorts?... That is the only thing I can't seem to figure." Trowa asked, raising an eyebrow.

" Now that's the first good question I have been asked. It's kinda like a defense mechanism. Well... a psychological defense mechanism. I draw my conscious into a place in my mind that I created. My perfect world I guess. I am still conscious, just not to the real world; I can come and go, as I please, no harm down. Time, however, passes more quickly in my mind then in real life. Those two weeks, were more like several months in my mind. But once again, I control that factor. I control everything in there, if I want it to snow in the middle of July in Australia then it will. I can look up the real world when in that state; there are different stages I have when regaining real world conscious ness, as Heero found out today. I can hear when you guys talk to me. But sometimes I just block it out. I have only been to the place 2 times before this relapse..."

"Why?" 

Turning my gaze from Trowa, I stared at Heero, face blank, eyes dull. I had a sudden urge to gulp down the whole bottle of vodka at that moment, though I reframed, using all myself control in the process. 'Why?... WHY'.... My god... you of all people should have a slight idea as to why.... Don't let my idea that you Heero Yuy can see when someone is mentally suffering... or for me... are you just blind. I am beginning to think that you are blind no matter what the others believe. I must just be a torn in your side. An uncomfortable part of the mission you wish you could be rid of...' I thought, my emotions getting the better of me. 

"Why?" I asked incredulously. "Why? Because my mission failed! Because years worth of work that can't be found again is lost! Because everything I had, was lost, because they came back. The pain. The agony. The brutality. The blood. The fear. Because it all came back! Relentless!" I yelled, standing up, breathing heavily, staring into the cold cobalt orbs before me. 

"...Duo calm down..." Heero's monotone voice replied. Cold, and stoic as ever. 'Nothing will get you to change it will Heero?' I laughed sarcastically, at my thoughts, before backing away from the table, watching the others, as the observed my movements, slowly, standing up, ready to give chase. 

"Calm down? Have you ever lived on the streets Heero? Have you witnessed your loved ones get slaughtered? Have you been beaten to death for trying to survive, and left for dead? Where you raped when you were 9? Do you know what comes with that? Have you ever felt the self-disgust that comes with that, the feeling of being tainted, stained? Immortally dirty? Did you ever let that happen again and again because you couldn't stop it, because you were never in control? Tell me Heero have you?" I growled, looking down at my hands as they began to tremble violently. 

"Please Heero, answer me, tell me you lived that life, with all the suffering that came with and tell me that you still came out with your head raised, never wanting to be in a world were you could control everything. Tell me I was wrong to do it. Tell me that Relena is right and that I am just a worthless street brat. I dare you Heero." I yelled anger boiling over the edge, erupting into a blinding rage. I took another step back, knowing that I could make it to the door, though I would have to take down both Trowa and Wufei. Quatre, would leave me be, knowing that his space heart is slowly being overwhelmed. It would be painful for the blond angel, and I regretted that... but I could not control that. 

Heero stood silently, not responding me as tremors took over my body, balling my hands into painful fists, I tried to control the shaking as much as I could, but I knew I was shaking noticeably, and would be no matter what I tried. Taking another step towards the door, Wufei and Trowa took 2 towards me, preparing for the chase. It was then that Heero's eye bore through me, and he broke the tension and silence that had formed. 

"I can't say I have, Duo. Nor can I say that I will agree with Relena's views on you. But I will state the truth. You are needed are part of this team to complete all missions that come up. You are needed here as a friend and as the only one whom will keep us sane. You are for surly the only one here to remind us every once in a while that are we are not only soldiers but also teens. You have kept the peace whether you want to believe that or not. You are not alone in this world. You are both wanted and needed. And it has come to my attention that no matter what; all of us here will make sure that nothing happens to you again. Even if it is not in our power. Understand?" It took awhile but I nodded, looking down, at the tiled floor, before turning and leaving the kitchen. Making my way to my room I closed the door with a simple 'click' knowing that they had watched me every second. Throwing off my shirt and pants, I climbed into my cold bed, curling up into a ball as tightly as I could get, before thinking over the night's conversation. 

__

'... Dear mental diary. They now know. I don't know if that is totally a good or bad thing. It's hard to define. So I guess that is both. Heero gave heart-warming speech in a dry ice voice. His words, I believe, are true, though as I stated earlier. I may have come back for him, into this world of endless death and suffering. But that does not mean I will be happy. I will not put on that damned mask any more... I promise myself that... for Shinigami's sake, I will not. Heero is getting what he asked for. Congratulations. It is not his move in this eternal game of struggle. Who will come up on top? Him or me? I don't believe I will place my bet yet... but soon... soon I will know who to look out for... who will be my true friends and my enemies...' I thought bitterly. Slowly uncurling myself, I reached over to my nightstand and pick up my CD player, turning it to the last song and pressing the repeat button. Placing the head phones over my ears, I grabbed a pillow, hugged it to my chest, as the song start, and curled into a tight ball, pull the sheets and blankets over my head. Listening to the sooth song, I drifted off, listening to... 'This is where your sanity gives in... And love begins... Never lose your grip... don't trip... don't fall... you'll lose it all... The sweetest way to die... It lies deep inside... you can not hide...'   


CrashOverride: So tell me.... do you like? Should I continue? Are there people out there still reading this? Or... what? Hmmm.... I just might have to hold back writing another part... I don't know.... what do you think? '^_^'


	8. Mission: Dare or Death to the Host?

Author:CrashOverride 

Title: Raging Numb

Part: VII: Mission: Dare or Death to the Host?

I awoke after having an actual dream. Nothing really special about it, although it was a dream. It was more like what I wanted to do. No. How I wanted to die. It seemed that for the longest time I had it all planned out though I never knew it. It was odd really, to think that my subconscious decided to make a plan for my own death. Almost as though it knew that I might need or want one. But it also went through all the steps that went along with it. It must have taken days, months or even years to prefect this plan. It even had all the pilots in it. It had back up plans, and ways to revise it if I didn't like or agree with the essential plan. It would even out do Heero's ways at planning a mission. Though to even go through with it, I needed to do something's first. Just for my enjoyment mind you. So I set it all up. Every night at around 11 PM, we gather in the living room or den and do something as a group, weather it is talking, playing a game, watching a movie, or what ever. And everyday, someone else decided on what we were going to do. Tonight was my night and I knew exactly what I wanted to happen. I knew all I needed to do to get it done. So thus began mission: dare.

How all this ties into my own death one will have to wait to see how it all plays out. But I ask, what is the point of killing yourself if you die alone, unhappy, and with no last minute memories of laughter or fun with the people you care about the most? Tell me? Dying depressed and alone doesn't make my cup of tea. But I still had options to back out, and abort, which I might and might not do. It's all in the fun of a game correct? Good. Now time to get the supplies.

It was then that I left my room wordlessly. Clad in black silk boxers, and white socks, I made my way around the house, saying nothing what so ever to any of the other pilots. Grabbing odds and ends here and there, getting suspicious looks from the others. Of course my only response was a smile, smirk, or nod. Depending on the person and their look. It made all the difference. I was pretty proud of myself, for being able to keep quiet all day, making the other pilots, nervous. They continued to tell me it was unnerving how I could sit there silent and still for hours and not say one word. They even went as far as to ask Sally to come over and check me out. I, of course, mentally laughed but went along with, just to easy their uneasiness, though it seemed that, me being perfectly fine made them uneasier. Ever Heero was showing signs of tension and nervousness. He would stop typing if I came into the room, and look at me, directly, then shift in his position and continue typing. It was rather humorous, really. 

As the day progressed and it drew towards 11, I went upstairs to my room, put on a large black T-shirt and black flannel pants, picked up a large box, and a book, and made my way down to the den. The others were there, waiting, I guess, for what I had planned for them. Though when I entered the room, I set the box on the center table, and took my book to the large over stuffed blue chair by the fireplace, draped my legs of one of its arms and began to read silently. Causing an exchange of glances between the others. 

As it hit around 10:30, I guess Heero finally snapped at my silence. He stood, strode over to me and snatched the book from my hands. Walking over to the fireplace he held the book over the orange flames, and turning a piercing glare towards me. 

"Duo... Why so quiet today?"

"What? Aren't you the one always telling my to shut up, and stop talking?" I smirked, sitting up in the chair, then bringing my knees to my chest in a relaxed position. His eye twitched and he moved the book lower to the fire.

"Duo..."

"Fine. Fine. I thought you all could use a break from my chatter, don't tell me you guys actually missed it... I mean come on; you are the ones always telling my shut up. Be quiet, stay still, act normal... aren't you?" I replied nonchalantly, searching each and every pair of eyes. Though they all turned down cast quite quickly. 

"Oh I see... so you guys did... I'll make sure to talk more once again, though for now, I think I can have my book back Heero, and I will tell you all what I have planned for you... each and everyone of you...." I smirked, standing, as Heero handed my book and took his place next to Wufei. Sauntering over to the box, I kneed down in front of the table and opened it. Though there wasn't much to see but a black sheet. 

"For the next 24 hours.... You will be following different rules... This is mission: dare. ... Does anyone back out?" I asked, voice calm and humor laced. Taking the silence in the room as a no, I continued. 

"Alright. Each over of you will be doing something different, something you would not usually, do. Such as for Quatre, my dear caring friend. You can not do any of the following. You can't ask how we are doing, if we are ok, if you can do anything for someone else. You can not help anyone; you can not console anyone. You are to do things for your self with no care in the world and not matter what, if you fail.... Punishment will be served. I know it will be tough... but stay strong. Wufei... my dear little Wufei. You take on Quatre's role. You are to care about every one in this group, take care of any one of us if need be. You are to ask all of us at least once, how we are doing, and if we are ok. You are to console us. Give us hugs, and you can not sneer, smirk or frown, you are to smile and be happy through out the whole process.... Or punishment will be served.... Stay strong my dear little Onna....Trowa, charming Trowa.... you were hard to think of.... I mean really hard... but I have something in store or you... You Trowa, are to talk. To all of us. Constantly. I will reserve only 2 hours, not including sleeping when you don't have to talk. Whether it is singing to yourself while working on your gundam, you are to talk, make noise, and bother us all to hell.... enjoy, enjoy..... And of course if you do not.... punishment will be served. As for the last contestant.... Heero my man... You get off easily... you dear soldier, must express emotions.... smiles, frowns, laugher... sarcasm... all types of emotions.... with all of us, no matter what... Along with this process, you are to spend 6 hours in my company.... now for the ground rules-

"WAIT!.... So let me get this straight... Quatre has to act like Wufei, Wufei as to act like Quatre, I have to act like you and Heero only has to spend 6 hours with you and express emotions!" Trowa listed off, disbelief weaved into his voice. 

"Well.. yes I guess...-

"And we have to do this for 24 hours.... and have to abide by ground rules?" Quatre chirped in. 

"yes... –

"What are the punishments?" Wufei asked, voice expressing no emotions. 

" You don't want to know and I won't tell until you brake the rules. Now the ground rules are as followed, no trying to get the other person to break a rule... that's just not nice. All players must act and speak truthfully, such as, anything you say must be truthful no matter what. If another player finds that you are not fulfilling your duty you will be punished. And all players have the ability to forfeit, but the punishment will be induced. And the prize will be lost. Yes jets... there are prizes for each and every one of you... so take this as a game and competition... enjoy.... oh and before I go, in this box here are some items. That everyone will need.... there's a list in there, so have fun and it all begins tomorrow. Sleep well!" I smiled, as I bounded off towards my room, only to jump out the window and dash towards the hanger. Climbing into Deathscythe's cockpit, I turned on the lights and displayed mission objectives for tomorrow. So far everything was going as planned, though... it was going to be long day tomorrow. 'I may not be happy... but I sure as hell will have some fun' I thought sitting back into the seat, and clicking off the lights. 

Not 10 seconds later was a shot heard through out the hanger, and my blood splattered in the cockpit. I was still in shock, as the shooter, opened the door, grabbed my limp body and hefted my out of the hanger and into a near by parked car. I tried to look down at my injury, however a wave of nauseous-ness and pain over took my body. I remember, however, that my midsection was loosing blood fast. My limbs were pale and turning cold and I had no more strength to stay awake. It was when the car stopped that I gave into the unconscious and wondered if I would wake up at all. 'well there goes my plan....damned shooter.... who the hell were you? ... If I die... you'll have hell to pay in the form of 4 pissed off gundam pilots....' I thought smirking, sliding further into the unconscious and darkness awaiting my fate.

CrashOverride:.... I can see the anger the readers hold... such a bad cliff hanger huh? .... ~smiles~... more will come... maybe soon... maybe later... I don't know. Anyone have any Ideas as to who the shooter is that just might have killed off our dear Duo? Oh I know... so many people would be so mad if I killed him off so suddenly huh? .. tee hee hee... ~runs far far away... ~


	9. The Death of Death

Author: CrashOverride

Title: Raging Numb

Part VIII: The death of Death

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: ...not everything is, as it seems... So sit back, relax and enjoy the show....^_^

_Death. Well death to death is almost ironic and a joke into its self, I mean why would death slay himself? It's funny really. I mean, for all I know I am dead and waiting for myself to take me to the neither world or heaven... which ever, not like I care much. It ends my suffering doesn't? But then of course there is that slight possibility that it would only cause more suffering. I don't really know yet, what it's done to me. I could tell you possibly that I might be dead for things that seemed clouded before are clear as a bell. It's said only such clarity happens when you die. But I still have the fuzzy feeling that I am alive so, I really don't know. _

Maybe I am in-between life and death. You know where I am so far gone I get the good stuff of being dead even though I am not, and there is still a slight possibility that I will live. Though from what I saw of the wound, a rifle, close range. My whole mid section was taken out. For that explains all the blood that I saw, and how much actually is left in the cockpit. Though what I don't believe is that an assassin would use such a weapon. They would want to be more discrete. But this one wanted the others to know what had been done, and also have the possibility of capture. Though so far, I believe he got off. Figures. The one time I get shot, the others are slow as hell. Ha ha ha ... Death plays wonderful tricks on its own people. 

However this is not as fun as it might seem. I mean, I have this nagging feeling that if I did die, something terrible would happen. I can see different images that are forming in this world of darkness. For the life left in me I still can't seem to figure out what they are telling me. The first is a group picture with both Heero's and my face cut out. Then the second is but 2 unmarked grave stones, and the last is just an image of Deathscythe, and the rather large bullet hole in the glass, along with the blood trailing down the mecha to the ground. I mean for all I know it could be the telling that both Heero and me are going to die, but why would Heero die? I mean really why would he die? He still has Miss Peacecraft to keep safe. Oh well, only time will tell wont it. I know that I might just be wrong but I guess I really don't want to die, not now, not like this. Its not my style, and if I die because of just a simple bullet wound, from a very bad assassin then I know that the reputation for us gundam pilots would be shot, and the others would most likely have to go in for retraining, just for my not wanting to live. And even in the after life I couldn't live with that. 

It's now though, that my silence in this void is interrupted. I hear voices... but I can't make them out. I want to know what's going on... it's my life... or death I should say... but I want to know...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Heero's POV ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

We all were going over the list of items in the box when the shot rang out. It was a matter of seconds before we all had drawn our guns and began to search. Wufei the upstairs, Quatre the down stairs, Trowa the basement, and myself the hanger. It was suppose to be a quick search and find. But when I made it to the hanger, I was the car drive off, and the blood trail leading to it. ' Duo was have gotten the guy.... But why would he let him live? We need to have a discussion on causalities of war Duo...' I thought, climbing up to the cockpit of Deathscythe. 

What I found was something unexpected. Glass shards littered the floor and the front of the seat. Blood splatters were every where. There was just so much.... Then there was a large hole in the pilot seat. '... The bullet went through threw the glass and into the back of the chair... and Duo...' I thought looking down to the floor as it was sickly coated with the metallic smelling substance. Lifting up my hand, I saw that it was coated in Duo's blood, and it was still warm. I don't know why it hurt to see so much blood or even why I had the sudden urge to run away and forget what I saw. Climbing down, I jumped onto the ground, I looked up as the others rushed into the hanger. Faces calm and relaxed, that was until they saw the blood. Quatre was the first.

"First floor is clear, nothing out of place, and no signs of Duo." Quatre said, looking directly at me, and no where else. '...Why haven't they noticed... so much blood....'I thought nodding slightly.

"Basement clear. Are you alright Heero?" Trowa asked, looking from Quatre to me. I believe it was then that Quatre finally took notice of the blood on my hands. ' Blood on my hands.... Blood on my hands.... Duo's blood is on my.... Hands...' I thought nodding once again, though I knew I was beginning to loose it. 

"Upstairs is clear, no signs of Duo-

"Heero! What happened to you hands?" The small blond asked interrupting Wufei, and rushing up to me, while grabbing my hands to investigate. 'Now you have his blood on your hands....' 

"Its not mine...." I said, voice full of menace. 

"Who's?.... Duo? Where's Duo?" Quatre asked now frantically searching the hanger with his eyes. He say the trail of blood leading out of the hanger that had begun to dry, then to the cockpit of Deathscythe that looked like it was bleeding. He took a step back, looking from the blood then to my eyes then back to the blood.

"So much blood...Duo's blood...He's not here... they took him..." I spoke, internally snapping. I had lost all conscience. The mission be damned. We were going to bring Duo back. Alive. No matter what they say. He will live or I will die. 

Turning from the group, I made my way back to the mansion, with others on my heels. Skidding to a stop in the kitchen I grabbed a hand towel and wiped off the blood. Then sprinted to my room, and began my search for anyone who had been admitted with a close range bullet wound.

5 minutes later we were all in the car heading towards the hospital. One thought crossed my mind, the mission objectives on Duo's screen. I thanked whatever being for my photographic memory. '...Objective one... get supplies for game.... Objective two.... Search for Heero's emotions.... Objective three... find good prizes and punishments.... Object four... buy camcorder... Objective five... shoot last video.... Objective six.... Make last decision.... Follow plan.... Or not.... Objective seven.... Find a peaceful place to die... why would Duo kill himself.... I'll make sure he lives just to kill him for being so damn stupid. Damn Baka!..' I thought as we reached the hospital, and made our way to the receptionist. 

"Have you had anyone admitted with a close range bullet wound?"

"Are you family?" the woman asked, face and eyes dull with age. 

"Yes." Quatre replied, smiling as Trowa, grabbed my wrist before I could point the gun that the woman's head.

"I would need to see some identification for both you and the wounded." She replied, sweeping her eyes over all of us. I growl in frustration, as Quatre brought up his ID along with one for Duo. The woman nodded, before leading us down to ICQ. 

"I doctor should be down shortly, and only one person is allowed in the room at a time. So for from what I know, if his body continues to reject the blood we are giving him... we won't make it. Once he starts accepting it, he has a 24-hour window to get through. If he does, then most likely he will survive." She started briskly before turning back to her station. 

"I'll go in first" I stated sternly, getting no further argument. Walking in and closing the door into the dark room, my breath caught. He was so pale; it looked as though he was glowing. He had several machines attached to him. A heart rate and oxygen machine. Others that I didn't know the function of, along with an IV. His chestnut hair was spooled out around him, dull and lifeless, as his skin and face. 

Taking a few steps closer I pulled up a chair and sat next to his bed. Staring at the beauty before me. 

"Even in death your breath taking...." I thought aloud, as I began to vent my anger, softly. 

" How could you let someone sneak up on you in the hanger? An amateur at that Duo? I know you are more perceptive in those types of accounts. So what happened? Why do you want to kill yourself? You know what's going to happen Duo. You're not going to die. I won't let you die. That is an order. You are going to survive this "flesh" wound and once you are okay, myself and the others are going to kick your ass for being so stupid. Its now that Relena's comment of you being an idiot comes into play! You are a gundam pilot! No one should be able to sneak up on you except one of us! Besides, I don't think it would be the most productive thing for our team or mission if you died. It would just add more stress and grief to the others. They will blame them selves for your death you know. So there is no point of dying now, or by your own hand. You understand me soldier?" I growled at the lifeless form of Duo. Sitting back into the chair, I sat, watching the machines indicating that Duo was indeed alive. I don't know how long I sat there, or when I had begun to space out. But a whimper brought me out of my daze.

"No tears for death...." Duo murmured, though he did not awake. I reached up a finger to my eyes and indeed there were silent tears falling. The sound of him flat lining stung in my ears, jolting my body to the door, and yelling for help, though the scream never came, as a hand was put over my mouth and a gun pointed at my forehead. 

CrashOverride: (pulls a hat over the horns that had begun to spring out from her forehead.) Did you all enjoy? .... Satisfied? Ready to kill me for leaving at such a dramatic point? ^_^ 


	10. Disadvantages of Living

Author: CrashOverride

Title: Raging Numb

Warnings: I don't know how to apologize for my last cliff hanger, I mean honestly, I am glad you all are enjoying the fic, but at the time of posting I knew several of the readers would be more then ready to have my head on a platter for leaving off like I did. I mean Duo flat lining and Heero having a gun to his head. Where are the damn nurses and Doctors when you need them? 

So I would like to take the current time and thank all of you who have been reviewing, and threatening me to continue and hurry up with this post. I promise to try not to leave off at such a high point again. Thanks to Deathwraith ( for adding fuel to the already burning fire, and the helpful comments... I do so apologize) Anime Echo (hopefully you made it too school on time!! ^^) Futon, Silvertoekee, Goddess of Death, Chopsticks, Cpfeb and to everyone else who hasn't reviewed but read my story. Thanks!

Any way.... On to the story...

Rating:

Raging Numb Part IV: Disadvantages for the Living

Awaking from a near death experience is not something I care to remember. Though I am quiet glad I was brought to one of the more advanced hospitals. I remember gaining consciousness as they attached a small box to my chest, with two sensors attached to strategic places above my heart. I guess they saw the curious look I gave them for they gave me a full out explanation.

"This, Mr. Maxwell, is a new proto-type. One we are testing. Currently we are understaffed and a major accident has everyone in the ER... So to prevent you from dying, if you go into cardiac arrest, a nurse has the controls, which are now set on auto. This black box is exactly like the set of pattles that send an electric shock to the heart, just smaller. It has a "brain" that is notified when you go into cardiac arrest. Then it will seed the pulses to the heart until it starts again, or if the "brain" believes you are gone, it will send an immediate signal to the nurses station, giving off a code red and then several of our staff will proceed in the proper manner. Do you understand?" An expressionless doctor informed me briefly before I was once again launched into the unconsciousness. 

I heard Heero, reprimanding me, before it all went silent. I tried to respond to him, though I was taken, well my mind was, to another place. I remember seeing my loved ones once again, though nothing like my perfect world. I guess it finally hit that I was dead, but the nagging feeling was still bothering me. I felt the shocks that were being sent to my heart, and it seems that I was given a choice. Die and stay here, or go back and live. Trust me, it was a hard decision then I thought it was. When your mind is so clear, you see what is really important to you. You understand what you have done with your life and why you have done them. Though at the same time you see what you haven't done, and everything you never had a chance to do. Then you see what is in store for you if you decide to stay. Staying was looking quite promising. But then the idea hit me, if I went back living and died then at my proper time, wouldn't this still be waiting for me? Maybe even more. Thus the answer and decision were made. I was going to live. Though I found out quite quickly that shoving a soul back into the physical realm and in to its dying body, hurts a hell of a lot more then waking up with every bone in your body broken, a bad ass hang over and Relena Piececraft singing the national anthem our of tune. 

As I said, awaking from a near death experience is not something I care to remember. When I opened my eyes though I noticed, that the heart machine still shrieked, stating that I was a flat liner, and Heero was slowly backing away from the door, hands in the air, with the would be assassin, pointing a gun to his head. 

In a matter of seconds, I was Mobil, though I wanted to hear what was going to be said first along with the identity of the armed man. So, I quickly reached out and grabbed Heero's gun, which sat in the back of his pants, cocked it, and listened to the shooter talk.

"My, my Heero... it's funny that I should be the one to catch you off guard. I mean really, you are a gundam, pilot are you not?" the female voice said, moving further into the room and pulling out the electrical cords, leading from the machines attached to Duo, out of the wall. 

"He was so easy to fine and kill you know... Sitting in Deathscythe, alone, daydreaming in his own little world. His entire defense down, not even a weapon on him. And you call yourselves, gundam pilots. Trained assassins never leave their guard down no matter what!.. Even I know that much and I have less training then even Duo here... It's really a pity that I had to kill both of you.... Such beautiful specimens." She continued, brushing a hand against Heero's cheek, receiving a death glare from the stoic pilot. 

"What no words today Heero? Why not? Cause I killed Duo? Give me a break... what was he to you? A friend? A toy? ... A comrade? Your love? ... Let me guess you were in love with the braided man here, never told him and now it's too late... I bet you couldn't even admit it to yourself. Can't even say it in your mind huh Heero... I feel no grief or pity for what I had done... It was bound to happen sooner or later, wasn't it? A screw on a mission here, a few poison drops there.... Besides... He was going to do it anyway... so why care. If he didn't for you why care about a nobody that was going to end his own life because it seemed like the right thing to do?" She finished, cocking her gun, and aiming it to Heero's forehead, then to mine. 

"I wish I could have gotten of a better shot... oh well... I guess I will take you to your love now Hmm?" She began aiming towards Heero when a shot rang out and two bodies hit the floor. The woman, whose face was still covered, was clutching her shoulder, gun still in her hand. Heero was sprawled on the floor, bullet wound to the high left shoulder, just above his heart. 

"How could you not be DEAD!" The woman screamed, staggering up, eyes blazing with rage. Smirking, I answered with the only thing that seemed right.

"Haven't you learned? You can't kill Death!" 

"I will get you... torture you... and Kill you.... I swear to that..." and with that she left, running out of the room, hand still attached to her shoulder.

"You should have killed her." A monotone voice spoke. Standing up, Heero made his way over to his forgotten chair and plopped down lazily. 

"Well I couldn't risk it. She still had the reflex time, to aim at your head then fire, if I capped her. Then I would be responsible for you death... naw... too much pressure. I don't want to be the guy congratulated for Pilot 01, Heero Yuy's death. Besides, then Relena would be after me, and even with that as a wonderful thought.... I think I like having the iceman around' I joked, sitting up slightly and toying with the gun aimlessly. Heero chuckled softly before grabbing his gun and replacing it, in its proper place. 

"Duo?"

"Hmm" I answered, closing my eyes and relaxing slightly.

"Ice Man?"

"Oh.... Heh... that's a nick name we've give you..."

"We?"

"Yes, me, Trowa, Wufei, Hilde, Quatre, the scientists, Sally, Noin, ... the list goes on for quite a while. If you ever decided to socialize, you would hear us using it.

"Duo.... Omae wo Korosu!"

"Yeah yeah.... Heard it all before...give me a few aspirin and wait till I heal will ya... I still want to see Quatre and Wufei act like each other, and Trowa like me before I...." I paused, remembering how I was going to end it. Shifting, I rolled onto my side, back to Heero. 

"Duo?"

"Being shot, killed, brought back and saving your ass zapped my energy.... I'm tired. Why don't you tell the others I am ok..? I want to sleep." It took several minutes before Heero left my room, and even more before I could fall into a dreamless state. 

__

' Dear MD, died today, brought back and saved Heero... wouldn't seem like a thing I would do huh? We never did find out who the assassin was; though I know I will be at least seeing her again. She seemed to be serious about her threat. Oddly enough, I seem to want her to come again and try and kill me. Am I morbid or what. Though I think she will do something more devastating then shoot me... maybe she'll... naw... she didn't seem that intelligent...'

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Silently, a woman clad in a sky mask, black turtleneck and black jeans made her way through a sleazy bar and into a back room. Taking off her mask, she smirked at the woman who stood before her. 

"I need a favor."

"I figured." Came a stoic reply.

"Capture Duo Maxwell tonight, and send him to Treize. I think he shall have some fun with him. Just make sure to Tell Treize that Duo is a toy, only made to be broken.... 

CrashOverride: Hmmm... Not such a bad cliff hanger... well not as bad as the last... ~smirk~ Tee hee... I must be going now... snack... food... nourishment.. Then I might return to give you another part! 


	11. Mission Interference

Author: CrashOverride

Title: Raging Numb

Part X: Mission Interference. 

Rating: PG- 13.... 

Warning: Whoo hoo.. my longest chapter so far... enjoy everyone!! J 

"Capture Duo Maxwell tonight, and send him to Treize. I think he shall have some fun with him. Just make sure to tell Treize that Duo is a toy, only made to be broken.... Duo you understand?" 

"Of course. Will there be anything else?"

"No... Now be off with you... I need sometime to think."

"As you wish..." with that said, the unidentified woman left silently. 

"Is so hard to find good help..."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

It was around 2 AM. I was still in the hospital, board out of my mind. The guys had left a while ago, going home to get some rest, though Heero said he would come back and check up on me later tonight, so I might have some company even if it is a glaring brick wall. Sitting up, I slung on my robe, and pulled the IV carrier with me, as I made my way to a large window. Opening it, a soft warm breeze began to caress my skin, as I took a normal set on the ledge, legs dangling outside, arms crossed, and leaning on the left beam for support. 

I had a perfect view of the forest down below. Which seemed to be enchanted by the full moons silvery glow. Though somewhere in the forest someone, was walking around, quite loudly. ' Might be an animal...but...' I thought as the stranger came into view. Clad in all black, with weapons and climbing gear, the person walked up close to the building before firing a grappling hook into the wall near my head, causing me to fall painfully back into the hospital room. 

Slowly backing away from the window, I began praying that this was Heero, but it wasn't Heero's style... not it the least.... I almost mimicked the one who tried to kill me earlier. ' She said she would be back.... But so soon? No... She sent someone... Damn it... What the hell...' was my last coherent thought before the dark that she shot into my neck took effect, and I slumped to the ground, unconscious. 

" Objective one complete." Came a soft cruel voice from the woman attacker. Ripping out the IV in my arm, she picked up my limp body and vanished out the window, and into the night. 

...

'Where in hell am I?... God I feel sick... and WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING?' I thought, sitting up in a wonderfully soft bed, and looking down at my body.

"Why am I only wearing spandex shorts and a silk vest... god... I look like a hor... And feel like a god damn doll." I thought aloud, making my way to the full body mirror, and gaping at myself. Slowly lifting up a finger, I ran it against my lips, and looked at the now pale pink stained pad. 

"I am wearing make up... this can only get worst huh?" 

"On the contrary... it will get better. Once you learn your place and what you are to do for me." Came a familiar voice from behind me. Looking up into the mirror, my intuition proved correct once again. Low and behold Treize. 

"Hn"

"Oh come now... its not that bad is it?" Treize smirked, walking towards the braided pilot. Reaching out and grabbing my braid, Treize began stroking it, almost in soothing, but coming from Treize, nothing could be soothing. 

"Why am I here?"

"D.C brought you here, as a gift... a play thing..."

"How long have I been out?"

"Oh about a month or so. We had to keep you sedated so that your wounds could heal faster... if you hadn't noticed that."

"I am not oblivious." 

"Ahh... good. Now do you want to hear what I am suppose to do with you or can you figure it out on your own?"

"I have a feeling I know exactly what I am for you.... I am a toy of course... or else I wouldn't be dressed like this, and I believe you are supposed to brake me. Correct?"

"Perfectly."

"Hmm... And if I am unwilling?" I asked, finally turning around, arms crossed, and an emotionless look plastered on my face. 

" It will be forced... you see there are several men here, who serve in Oz's army... and.... considering they can't go home to see their family's, I try to help them release stress. You have been marked as a stress reliever... they can do what ever they want to you. Where it is beat you senseless or fuck you... as so many really want to... but as a gunman pilot you could easily kill them. So we have attached a small box to your ankle... it releases a drug that will keep your mind conscious, but your body will be nothing but dead weight... It will return to normal after a 12 hour period... so do enjoy... and you might want to sit..." He finished, walking towards the door as a slight pin prick stung my skin and I fell, in a help of my own body parts onto the floor. I was helpless. I had no control. So I was sprawled there until I heard their footsteps... several men, entered my room, and began what became as a normal day. 

The first man, Russ, he would just beat me until he was beating bruised skin that would brake. He would leave me in a bloody mass, making Tom, number 2, aggravated. 

Tom was one of the gentler men. He would actually take the time to prepare me before fucking. Once he was down be would bandage me up and place me on the bed, leaving me for the next one. Josh... He was one of the worst... he would talk to me, peacefully then he would fuck me, then decided that I hadn't had enough yet so he bring in his little kit, filled with different types of toys and objects. He liked whipping me until I was bleeding over the sheets, dyeing the yellow silk a sickening blood red. Once he was done with me, the 3 came in. 3 men always doing the same thing. 2 would fuck me, with one ramming his cock into my mouth, while the third would take pictures. I never knew what they did with them but they took them anyway. After they were down, people I don't know or remember would clean me and then another group of men would use me, though most I never say again. Treize would come in at night... when the effects of the drug had begun to ware off. He would strap me to the bed taking his precious time with my body, before impaling me. He would always so it slow and painful making it stick out in my mind. 

During the few months that I had this routine, I never gave them the pleasure of hearing me scream or whimper. I became a mute and stayed a mute. Treize and others would try to talk to me, get me to talk to them back, try to brake me, but I wouldn't... not for my pain, not for my body... not for anything would I brake or take to the fucking low lives. 

It was at the beginning of what I believe my 5th month under Treize's "care" that an explosion erupted through out the base. 'This is my only chance... gotta get out....' I thought, thanking god that these were the 12 hours that I was able to move. Rushing towards the door, I was thrown back as another explosion took out half the wall to the room. Jumping to my feet, I ran, out the hole, and into the hallway trying to find an exit. After running down several corridors, I slammed into someone as I rounded another corner. Looking up instantly, I same a once familiar face. Quatre was standing before me, smiling slowly.

"Duo? Come on we need to get out of here!" He yelled over another explosion, before grabbing my arm and dragging me out of this proverbial hell that I knew and out side. Once out side, it looked as though the battle was over. Bits and pieces of mobile dolls littered the area, while Wing Zero and Nataku stood searching around. Quatre shoved be into the back seat of the jeep he and Trowa had parked, before jumping into the passenger seat. Not but 5 seconds later Trowa was in the drivers seat speed off. 

"01 come in. 01 come in!" Trowa said, grabbing the radio.

"01 here... what is it 03?"

"Mission accomplished on our half... but Quatre seems to have brought a straggler"

"Who?"

Grabbing the radio, Quatre looked behind his seat at me, a frown marring his pixie face. "01 we have captured 02. Repeat we have captured 02."

"WHAT?" Came an instant reply from the 3 other pilots. 

"I'll explain when we get home 03 and 04 out!" He finished shutting off the radio and climbing into the back seat with me. Pulling out a first aide kit, that was stashed under the seat, he began treating his minor wounds and turned to me. 

"Duo?" I nodded slowly, scooting away from him and slowly, pulling my knees to my chest, and causing me to wince. 'Inventory... dislocated shoulder, sprained ankle, 5 broken ribs, minor internal bleeding... massive bruises and cuts... emotion damage... body condition? ... Tolerable" I though, turning whatever Quatre was saying out before hiding my head in my knees. I felt Quatre move back into the front seat, treating Trowa wounds probably, both whispering softly. A few minutes later we arrived at the save house, Wing and Nataku already hidden. 

Quatre had replaced the first aide kit before exiting the car with Trowa, through the stood watching me. I climbed out of the car quickly and strode past them. Opening the door, Heero and Wufei were in the living room going over a mission report it seemed, as they looked at me, eyes watching me as I went in search of the bath room. Once finding it, I grabbed the large first aide kit from under the sink and opened it. The others had gathered around the door, asking questions that I chose to ignore. Forcing my dislocated arm to grab the doorframe, I pulled away sharply then pushed hearing a loud 'crack'. Then began rotating it, to make sure it was back in place. They were silent now watching me with concern and awe for some. ' Dislocated shoulder... fixed... next sprained ankle.... Then broken ribs...' I thought finally listening to their questions as I wrapped my ankle tightly. 

"How much damage?" Heero asked, monotone voice in place. 

"Damage report. Had dislocated shoulder, sprained ankle, have 5 broken ribs, some minor internal bleeding. Bruises and small cuts. That is all." I stated, voice stoic, never missing a beat in wrapping my chest tightly. Grabbing the bottle of disinfectant, I sprayed it where it was needed then packed up the kit and put it away, looking into the eyes of my fellow pilots. Shoving my way through them, I walked up stairs to the second bed room, Heero and I shared a long while ago. Pulling up a loose floorboard I reached down and grubbed my normal garb and silk boxers before changing quickly. 

Walking slowly down stairs, my mind was reeling that I was actually away from Treize and home... with friends... it seemed almost impossible. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, I plopped down on the couch in the living room where the others were back to discussing a mission report. Heero and Wufei sitting opposite each other one the floor with a table between them, littered with maps and pictures. Trowa and Quatre sat on the other couch giving some to little impute to the other two.

"How are you feeling?" Quatre asked, ignoring the bickering pilots.

'Like I've been ripped apart and every single piece of me was rolled in glass shards then I was sewn together with a rusty dull needle...' I thought, deciding to answer simply, "I've had better days." 

"Hn... What happened?" 

"After you all left the hospital, at around 2 AM, a woman came in and shot me with a tranquilizer. I was out of it for a month before I gain full consciousness again, so then I found out I was given to Treize as I gift. I toy he could break. 5 months later here I am." I grinned weakly, gulping down 1/3 of my water bottle.

"How'd they try and break you?" Trowa asked softly, eyes traveling over my body with a glint of knowledge. 

"The usual. I had a routine I could give you all in graphic detail, but since I choose not too... I wont. The little box still attached to my ankle shoots a drug into my veins rendering my body useless but my brain still in full working condition. I could move, but I can remember and feel every thing they did to me. For the men on base and Treize I was their person hor, live punching bag or both. They did what ever they wanted. Some were kinder then the others. But more often then not, they liked to beat the shit out of me and fuck me." I said, voice calm, unconsciously bringing my knees to my chest. 

"Did they break you?" Wufei asked expression blank.

"I never made a sound for the 5 months that I was there. Not a whimper, a cry, a yell, a scream, not even a curse. They learned nothing. Which reminds me, Q... can I borrow your pocket knife?" 

"Sure..." Quatre sat up slightly, pulled it out and tossed it to me, as I quickly brought out the knife and cut off the black box from my ankle.

"Ahh... much better... thank s Quatre," I said, smiling as I tossed him back his knife and picked up the black box.

"How long did the drug last?"

"12 hours. Starting from 9 AM to 9 PM. Treize loved to tie me up around that time, when it began to ware off, and use me. I believe it to be his favorite pass time when I was there...," I said shrugging and standing up. "There still a spare bed in Heero's room?" 

"Yeah..." 

"G'night..." I said softly, walking up stairs and into the bedroom, closing the door behind me. Walking over to the bed, I curled up in the middle, and fell asleep instantly. My tears silently falling in my fretful nightmare sleep....


	12. Hauntings

AN: As I have been told, the 5 months passed quickly. Let me reassure everyone that within the next few chapters you will hear everything that happened. So you are not left out in the dark. I did it purposely. I find that the memories of an incident or dreams help with the character development and how they view everything, from that moment on. So... it will b told, as always in Duo's POV. Be warned though. I won't go into graphic detail about his rape. Anywho...on with the next chapter...

Rating PG-13 for mention of rape, violence and language. 

Part XI: Hauntings

__

"Scream for me... I know it hurts... come on... don't make this more painful..."

__

Pain. 

"Bitch... you killed my friends and family!... I am gonna make you feel my pain... first I am gonna break almost every bone in your beautiful body, then I am gonna rape you until you lose consciousness... lets start with your arms... 'CRACK'"

White blinding pain. 

" This wasn't your first time was it? Pity... I would love to have stolen your virginity... but my god never knew you were gonna bleed that much... oh well... Hey Jim, come on... he's lubed up with his own blood and my semen... he'll be nice and slick..."

Blood.

The red headed OZ soldier said nothing. He's friend held me up, while I was punched. Rib after broken rib... even after they took my shirt off and admired their handy work, as the blue and black bruises took shape across my chest, they still kicked my upper torso for a good hour before I finally fell into the darkness. 

Bruises. 

" Treize! You need to tell the other's to be less violent... Last week it was 5 broken ribs, this week two fractured wrists, 7 broken ribs and a dislocated jaw! I know it he your... toy... but take better care of him damn it..."

Broken bones. 

"So what your telling me Randy, is he wont to a damn thing to us?"

"Now a damn thing. He's so damn tight though..."

"Hey... how bout we bring in the dogs? They might a bite in the action too!"

"Good idea... starve em' for a few days then send em' loose in here! That should prove to be some entertainment" 

Limp body. 

"Damn he's so god damn tight... Bill, how big is yours?"

"7 long, 2 wide."

"Come over here and stretch this tight hole... it would do this kid some good."

Stretching. 

"You're a pretty little thing you know? Too bad we have too do this to you... would have been so much more fun if you were struggling... oh well... at least I can tell the team back home I got a piece of gundam ass huh? Such a shame... not man should be this pretty and such a tease..."

Lust filled eyes. 

"We're gonna have to move him."

"Why"

"The gundam's are gonna bomb here tomorrow. Treize wants to keep him longer... you know how he is."

"Alright, but you gotta put in the box. He's too bloody for my taste. And make sure to lock the lid. To coffin wont stay shut if you don't!"

Shattered dreams.

"Duo my dear... you been here not even a month and still you refuse to talk to me... what a shame... what came we do to hear that sweet little voice once again? Hmm? Don't tell me, you are doing this because of the mission? Dear boy, the mission has failed, and we really don't want any information from you. Besides it seems that the others seem the Miss Relena is more important, I believe they arrived on Earth just yesterday... so it seems you will be spending quite a bit more time with me and everyone here... so just give it up..."

Forgotten hope.

"What's wrong with this faggot? Why won't he scream? He is suppose to be our bitch, and its just not the same if he is quiet why I ram into his ass relentlessly and he doesn't even whimper!"

"Maybe he likes it."

"Got a point there... you like it pretty boy? Like us raping you over and over again, always making sure you bleed and bruise? Huh that they way you like it?"

" Hmm maybe he thinks his friends will come and save him still?"

"They will have nothing to do with you even if they do. Knowing that you didn't struggle against us... A shame really... You have a girl friend? Boy friend? They wont want a slut whose been used. You're too stained to ever be loved by anyone else..."

Cruel words.

"What's with your long hair? You a cross dresser in your off time? Put on a good show I bet. Maybe we should just cut it off. Strand by strand maybe? Would that make you speak then? Hmm? Will see..."

"Naw don't do that... let's just kill him."

"How?"

"We slit one wrist and get a good portion of the army in here. Rape him one last time why he slowly bleeds to death... you know die having the memory of being raped and tortured. Complete pain. 

Empty threats.

'Its quiet... so quiet... I don't get that much now... its so relaxing... where are they? ... God Heero... Wufei... Quatre... Trowa... do you really think I am dead?... please come get me... it hurts... so much... its unbearable...'

Silence.

Grunting.

Pushing... pulling... pushing... pulling... release

Stench of sweat and sex.

Hate filled eyes.

Over and over again... 

I shot up painfully, screaming. Sweat drenched my skin and clothes stuck to me. My face was burning up and my vision was blurred with fresh tears. I felt and heard Heero get out of bed and come to my side, however before he could touch me I was out of my bed, and huddle in the corner next to my bed, trembling. I stared at him, with wide violet eyes filled with pain and fear. He tried to advance towards me again, but before he could take two steps I was screaming.

"STAY AWAY!"

"...Duo..."

"STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"Calm down Duo"

"What going on?" 

"He just woke up screaming, I tried to comfort him but he just scrambled into the corner."

"Duo?"

By now I had stopped listening to them though, I held them in my sigh, just incase they might want to try and come closer. My mind has long since faded away, into a babbling voice, as I rocked back and forth slowly.

"I'm dirty. I'm dirty. I'm dirty. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. No one loves a slut. No one loves a slut. I'm dirty. It's my fault no one loves a slut. I'm dirty. It's my fau-

"DUO! Stop it! Its not your fault damn it!"

"Ye...yes it is." I whispered as exhaustion once again took over, and I fell forward on to the cold bedroom floor, alone, and crying.


	13. Musings

Author: CrashOverride

Title: Raging Numb

Warnings: Yes I know it has been a while however I promise.... I will try to get you more parts soon. Writers block has been lifted and I found thing on my desk top after a wonderful IM message from a concerned reader. Tootles. Crash.

Rating: PG

XII: Musings

__

When I was brought back here, I thought it would be easier you know. Like I was free once again, nothing could stop me. Nothing. But I have come to realize that I am quite wrong. I believe now that nothing but time will take away everything that has happened in the past few months. Lately, I have just stopped. Well, living. Its been days since I last spoke, and ate. I wander a lot now. Kinda like a lost soul. Moving from room to room, taking up time. Right now the sun is setting, its magical. I have been sketching the sunrise and sets for the past few days from different places. Today its the roof. In the background beyound the forest that surrounds us, is a the brief sight of the small town we get our supplies from. From here it looks deserted, but I believe its just my perspective. 

Once done with the sketch I look back on the other pages. There are several images of the others, doing different things. Trowa reading and working on his gundam. Wufei meditating and praticing with his swords. Quatre playing his violin and cooking. Heero sitting at his laptop, sleeping, and sitting in a tree. It's odd when I look back on these perfect captures of time. I try to remember when I smiled and laughed. Did a prank and hung out with the others. However nothing comes to mind. I guess thats what happens. 

I remember one time when I was on a mission with Heero. On our way back to our safe house, we had turned to an oldies station, my favorite, and listened in compaionable silence. They had just ended three doors down, kryponite and began Eagle eye cherry, Save tonight. During those brief moments, I remember him smiling, just barely, but still a smile. It's strange when things happen out of no where. On several accounts I have found Quate and Wufei writing poetry in their native languages. One reason why I have an all in one language dictionary. When these brief moments happen, I am suprised by the natural feeling of everything being right in the world. The war has stopped. We are no longer pilots but simple teens. However, strong, intelligent, killing machines, but still teens. It's these moments I guess I live for now. When nothing seems right, I watch each one from a distance or while they are sleeping. Then try to capture them in a sketch, so I can look back and remember all the good that came with the broken bones, gun shot wounds, stitches, brusies and death that surrounded all of us. I find that I live for the peace. 

" Duo? What are you doing up there? Come down, Wufei is done with dinner." Quatre asked, peering through the window I was sitting beside. Standing, I climbed back inside, sketch book clutched tightly to my side and braid swinging behind me. Silently, I padded down stairs following Quatre into the dining room, where the others were already seated. Taking my usual spot next to Heero, I glanced around. 

The others had begun serving them selves and passing the bowls around while giving me side glances as once again I passed the dishes on with out stopping or taking a second glance. No matter who cooked, not how delicious it seemed, I was never hungry. This morning however I did have a few bites of Heero's apple, and my usual water.Now though, I slowly sipped my iced tea, as the others began to eat. Wufei sat across from me, and although the justice pilot was very keen about keeping us away, worry was beginning to form across his face. 

What concerned me, was how Heero was acting. Slowly, he moved his fodd around his plate giving the simple idea that he had eaten, however, not once had his fork lifted from the plate. 

"...Heero? Moving your food around wont make it closer to your stomach. Honestly, I should know. Remember, Duo equals bottumless pit stomach!" I joked, getting several startled glances. Heero had abruptly stopped his every movement and stared at me. 

"Really then. Please tell me, did you lick your plate so clean in the past few moments with out even lifting a finger, that you actually ate dinner at the speed of light?" he shot back, eyes narrowed, glaring. 

"Well... no...."

"Then I do not see where you can tell me to eat when you yourself are not. But I will make a proposal to you. Since you seem to care so much about me." He sneered. 

"What?" I asked, running my finger along the edge of my glass. 

"For every meal you forfeit, I will do the same. Every meal you eat, I will eat. And if you continue not eating then I am sure the others will join me and you will slowly starve us all. And this begins now." His monotoned voice said icly. Pushing his plate away from himself and crossing his arms, he stared at me, waiting for my to make my move. Glaring, I stood up and grabbed a pear from the fruit basket on the counter. Sitting back into my seat, I stared at the green fruit with discust, before biting into it. 

"Thats a start, however by next week, fruit and vegtables will not be your way out of this game." Heero picked his fork up once again and began eating much to my relief. The others had watched our little display and once again started up small converstaions with one another. I ate the damn pear even if it made my stomach churn. He would not win in this little game. 

'_During moments like this, I just couldn't understand if it was concern for me or the mission. Even now sometimes I wondered if to them I was nothing more then an annoying burden that is now used goods. For sometimes I remembered the few times I was like them. Quite, still, contimplating. Though after an hour, Wufei came rushing down the stairs asking if the world was ending or if OZ had finally killed me. As did the others at some point that day. None of them however noticed the look of pain that flashed over my features. I guess, its just concern for the mission. It was never me was it?" _

My thoughts were broken, as silence reigned in the dinning room. I suppose that sitting with one bite out of a pear in one hand that was half way to my open mouth, for a good 10 minutes, does cause some to wonder. Blinking, I finished the pear in less then a minute, and bounded up to my room, to plan. Never was I going to be a burden on someone else. '_Never...'_ It was then that I packed, wrote a brief note and left silently through the window, to someone I knew I could trust. Shinigami. 


	14. Lost Pages

Title: Raging Numb

Author: CrashOverride

Rating: This chapter is PG

Warnings: Its short.... I know... 

XIII: Lost pages

_Its been about a week since I left, I know they are all searching for my but only one person knows where I am, and he is still to ignorant to figure it out. However it will probably a little late when they do find me. Currently I am not on Earth, not am I at a colony. Deathscythe is still with the others, so I am just drifting. Never really moving but hovering around this one area. It's peaceful you know. In the silence of space, at any time I can look at the Earth or the colonies. Some times I wonder what it is that really makes me the one that lives this life. I think that now I would have rather died with Solo. Then I could be in the arms of someone I loved. But no, I had to live. Had to help with the war. Had to be part of this awful plan for 5 teens to go up against Oz and win, for peace. I do not see the point nor the planning that the scientists did to come up with this. I know that it is hard to endure the war, the way we are, with the continuing changing of allies and rules. It is now that I wish for a place that I could call home. I place to hide. Or maybe just a place in which can hold all the things dear to me. It is beyond the normal illusion of life that I have seemed to make contact. It is not necessarily life I want to save, but the ideals and prosperity of life, in which seems to hold my complete attention._

It is in space now, in the silence, of the vast midnight, I contemplate what has happened, and look at it through the eyes of another being, as I can see that no matter what I do, I will never be able to forget about what happens, but I believe I might just be able to make it less painful. 

I remember once within the past year, a memory that seems to have not faded with time, but grown brighter. It was during a light rain while, we all, were in Japan on a mission that I noticed a small tattoo parlor. Of course, the minute the idea came to mind, Heero's monotone, came up in my mind, reminding me, quite viciously that such a mark with make us easier to target when even caught. However I fought such logic and told him of a place that was inconspicuous, which a small tattoo could be placed. So much against decision, I took us all, to the shop the next day and had us branded. Of course, Heero being the mundane man he is, only had the kanji for Soldier branded upon his skin, while Wufei had Nataku, Quarte had Life, Trowa had Tiger, and I, myself, picked Death. All... I must admit, were beautiful in their own way. From complex to simplistic, I realized then that we were all completely different however equally the same. We were a paradox in its self.


	15. Voice of the Conscience

Author: CrashOverride

Rating: PG-13 (Mild cussing)

A.N.: I know I know, It isn't much but I am trying to get the ball rolling with everything that I want to do with this fic! I hope you enjoy, though I promise you all that I will not write anymore if I don't get some Reviews. Thanks much.. Crash.

XIV: Voices of the Conscience

Their wretched voices slithered into my dreams. Not the lost souls of the people I killed. Not loved ones that I have lost. Not even the bastards that abused me. No. None of them, though I would have rather heard their repulsive voices then those of the friends I abandoned. Yes, their voices calling to me, worry and concern woven through their words. Lost. That is what they sounded like. With each word that was spoken, my heart shatters more and more. Though I know their pain and suffering is my entire fault. However I will wither in my pain, and I will suffer for their suffering. It will continue to be my punishment. 

__

// But do you really need to suffer? //

Yes.

// Why?//

It is my action's consequence. 

// Then why most the others suffer also? //

I did not want them too... I do not want them too...

// Then why are you here alone, leaving them in pain. They care. //

I know but they care too much. I am a burden on all of them. 

// No. No, you're not and you know it. You just don't want to lose them like Sister Helen, Solo and Father Maxwell. You are scared. You fear their disapproval, You worry constantly. Just like them, you love each one for different reasons. But they are all your family. Would you ever make, Sister Helen or Father Maxwell suffer as you are making them suffer right now? //

...no...no I would not. 

// Would you put Solo through the pain and torment you are putting Heero through and Quatre. How about Wufei and Trowa, are they not worthy enough for your compassion and love? //

That's not why I DID THIS! I WANTED TO PROTECT THEM! I DON'T WANT THEM TO SUFFER LIKE I HAVE. I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE THEM PAIN. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM. OR WHAT THEY ARE TO ME! YOU ARE BUT A DUMB VOICE IN MY HEAD!

// Hit a note? You are guilt ridden. You run away from everything. You ran away from the church. You ran away from G. Now you runaway from friends for simply giving a damn about like the other three did. Now you runaway from Heero because you love him and you are scared to death. Your soul is trembling! You are a disgrace to the name Shinigami. You are pitiful. You can't even be a soldier now can you? What will you do? Stay here for the rest of eternity, hoping that no one will find you? Tell what kind of life is that? Hmm? Life means taking risks! Life means NOT running away. Life means taking a stand and fighting for what you want! It means trusting and loving people unconditionally. It means taking the good with the bad with the knowledge that is will get better. Tell me what life you will be leading? A life of death? Or a life of living? //

I... I.. 

~ Mansion / Safe House ~

Nervously, Quatre stepped into Heero's room. Since Duo left, Heero's been a bit ... edgy. 

"Heero..?"

"Hn?" Heero grunted from his spot in front of the laptop, with other diverting his eyes.

"What are you doing?" Quatre asked softly, stepping further into the room.

"Searching."

"Duo... He will come back Heero.... He-

"He is on his way already Quatre." Heero stated icily, glaring at the small blonde.

"H-he's.. h-he's what?" he stuttered.

"I can feel him. Something is coming. Fast. I believe it is Duo, if not then Oz. But I know he is coming." Turning back to the glowing green screen, Heero tuned Quatre out, simply not caring if the blonde had anything further to say. 

__

* Duo is coming, I know he is... I just hope he comes soon.....* Heero thought before concentrating fully on where the braided pilot was.


End file.
